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Question Code: G8wo7She My son is turning four next month. He was diagnosed in 2/06 with PDD-NOS and Sensory Processing Disoprder. He attends a 5 day/ week integrated preschool, receives speech and OT. He was getting ABA until we discontinued it this past November - he made amazing progress. He is VERY verbal, has an amazing memory, loves numbers, street signs, traffic lights, any object with a light (flashlights, light up toys, etc.). I have begun to feel that his issues are becoming more similar to Aspergers than to PDD-NOS. He has a lot of difficulty with impulse control (often leading to aggression, running off, etc.), he is VERY controlling in how he wants us (his parents and brother) and others to play, what we should play, how we should talk, how his rituals need to be met, etc. It makes me really sad to watch him play with other kids because he does not pick up on "social cues" of when he is talking about something too much, wanting something done a certain way, etc. Kids seem annoyed with him and although we have tried to role play and verbally explain that kids don't enjoy playing when things are so "controlled", he does not seem to "get it". He also does not understand when other kids are done and want to move on beause he is usally obsessed with whatever object/ activity he chose in the first place and wants others to feel the same excitement. I think I should bring him back for another evaluation and to talk about the concerns I have re: Aspergers, but I was wondering if you had any thoughts/ suggestions. He seems so intelligent and beyond his years in several areas, but in the area of socializing, I feel like there is a big misunderstanding. Any thoughts you have would be appreciated. Thank you!
Answer: Thank you for writing! First, I want to reinforce for you that you should consider yourself the one and only true expert on your son, so if you feel there is more to the story that needs to be evaluated, or that he presents as an Aspergers personality, then you should pursue those "gut feelings." Although it's important to know that Aspergers does live on the same spectrum as PDD-NOS, so please don't feel as though he was initially misdiagnosed by early evaluators. Children are works in progress. Social goals and support at school will be very crucial for him - are they already included on his IEP? If not, I would highly encourage to contact Nadine Briggs through this website as consultations regarding social goals for children on IEP's is one of her strengths and services. You may also want to involve him in a social skills program in your area outside of school as well. I hope you find these thoughts helpful! Please let me know if I can be of further support!
Question Code: E4b43d87 I am concerned about my daughter and am no sure what avenue to take. My daughter attends a private, all-girl school. She is in first grade and is having some difficulty paying attention to the teacher, staying focused etc. My daughter complains about school and has been going to the nurse's office claiming she is ill. The last time she said that her tummy hurt and that she was having difficulty breathing. Her teacher tells me she interacts very lttle with the other girls in her class. She can handle the class intellectually. Her grades are fine. It seerms that she is having trouble socially. At times she makes social mistakes. Recently, the neighbor's daughter was over and accidentally ripped something of my daughter's. Just a card. My daughter tattled on her to me in front of the girl, not realizing she was embarassing her. Also, my daughter can get too close to other's and she does't understand that she is in their personal space. As her teacher said to me at the beginning of the year, she marches to the beat of her own drummer. My daughter's behavior has been going downhill. She doesn't listen and I am concerned for her. I probably haven't given you enough information., but do you have any suggestions. I don't know if my daughter has Asperger's or any other kind of developmental issue. I have wondered. She is just different from others and it is hard to explain. Since we are not in a public school, I am not sure of what resources are even available.
Answer:
Hello and thank you for your thoughtful question! I'd be glad to be of help in some initial steps that you can to begin the process of figuring things out.
You did not mention what state you live in but every state has a process of evaluating children for learning and developmental needs done through the public school systems. Even though your daughter attends private school, she is eligible for these evaluations through the public schools (your taxes still support the schools). The first step would be to contact the Special Education Administrator for your system and ask where to send a written request to have her evaluated in the areas of educational testing, occupational therapy, speech & language and psychological.
An alternative for evaluation (and my personal preference) if you do not want to to initially go through public school is to have a neuropsychogical evaluation done privately. It is a comprehensive look at all of your daughter's learning, language and processing capabilities as well as a developmental and psychological component. It would answer your question concerning Aspergers as well. You could then present the recommendations from the evaluation to her private school to see if they are willing to provide the requested support (many private schools will, although they are not obligated to as are public schools).
Outside of school, you may also want to involve her in a social skills building/coaching type of program.
I hope that helps you in getting started with solving the puzzle....please feel free to write again with any further questions!
Warmly, Donna
Question Code: rC6Z3bvz There is a plan in place to reward him for general behavior throughout the day, but nothing specific to the line and nothing that is an immediate response to good behavior in line. The teachers seem to allow a wide variance of behaviors in the line. After an incident, my son finds himself trying to explain what ultimately happened, but the entire situation leading up to it prior to that is lost. Of course, he's often considered the problem instead of the victim he perceives himself to be. Two years ago, he was always given second place in line and although that worked, I was uncomfortable with that, worrying that he'd expect that everywhere. I do have a good rapport with his teacher and behavioral therapist at school so we'll try to incorporate/consider your suggestions. We've all pointed out the fact that he isn't responsible for their actions and that the teacher is the one to take action, but he's unable to dismiss his instincts of not liking someone 'cutting' in line....it is hard to reason with him about why misbehavior is okay for others. Thank you for your suggestions and insight.Lisa
Answer:
Hello!
Thank you for your e-mail and I'm happy to hear that some of the suggestions were helpful. I do find that specific rewards for specific behaviors tend to turn them around more quickly than the general "good day." I did this once with kids entering the room and rewarded them every time the came in appropriately and said hello. After a couple of weeks, it became a habit and I moved on to addressing something else. Sometimes we try to tackle too many behaviors at once.
I might suggest that you chat with your son that misbehavior is not okay for anyone, but unfortunately sometimes other people choose to misbehave and quite often get away with it which is one of those difficult realities of the world we live in. He only has control of his own behavior, so he can choose to ignore it or let the teacher handle it so that he doesn't get himself in trouble. I also tell kids the "second" person to do something, push, hit, retaliate is usually the one that gets in trouble.
I don't feel that giving him a preferred place in line will generate the demand for that to happen everywhere. I think starting with a preferred place and gradually moving him into the general line (with positive reinforcement) may do the trick. I also support that the adults who are handling an incident with your son, look to the wider view of what happened before the behavior....did someone cut him in line and he choose an inappropriate way to handle it? If so, I would listen to his side of the story, solve the problem of the line cutting to everyone's satisfaction and then give him the learning lesson of a more appropriate method of handling it. I often find that kids are so focused on the issue, they are not available for a lesson in appropriate response. If we resolve the driving issue first, their brains are then available to us to get those learning lessons in.
Good luck and I'd love to hear about his progress.
Warmly, Donna
Question Code: G4cjlc2D My son who is 12 has always had trouble socially. He is in 6th grade now, and this year and last year have been very most difficult for him. His only friend moved away in July. He has ADHD, and possibly PDD. He has trouble understanding verbal and non -verbal ques and maintaining a conversation without interruptions. I really want to help him but I am not sure how. He is down because he feels he has lost many friends and he shuts down whenever I try to talk to him about it. I think he wants to have friends,but he doesn't know how. Can you offer me any advice or suggestions? Thanks!
Answer:
Hello and thank you for your e-mail!
Middle school is historically challenging enough socially for typical kids, never mind our kids who already struggle and are trying to wade through the cliques, boy-and-girl dynamics, and the struggle to "fit in" that happens at this age and my heart goes out to him for wanting friends and struggling and you for wanting to help and support him but not being to "fix it" as we moms hope and wish that we could.
You mention "possible PDD." My first question would be is if you've had a full neuropsychological exam to confirm whether or not this is the case? Children with ADHD are typically 1/3 behind developmentally both socially and emotionally with their peers, and children with PDD can be even more so. He may also have some non-verbal learning challenges as well. This has nothing to do with intelligence or ability to learn, but leaves him younger than his peers on levels that are critical to his happiness and ability to form friendships with kids his age.
Does he receive services at school and is he on an education support plan (I don't know which state you are in). If he isn't already, he might benefit from being involved in social skills programs at school and there should be a social component and goals written into his plan.
Are there social skills programs outside of school that are located near you? A program that offers him a place to learn and practice social skills with other kids his age can be beneficial. I find myself in running these programs, that I am quite often saying the same things that moms say, but because I'm a different adult, they listen differently and don't shut down as much :)
Is he involved in situations or activities that provide social interactions outside of school? Does he have a special interest that you might use to introduce him to different kids that might share the same interest? I also tell my young friends that a friend does not necessarily need to be the same age as you. Sometimes kids with the challenges your son has do better socially with younger kids or even older folks.
A "big brother" type of person or mentor could be helpful. You might also consider seeing if he'd be interested in volunteering for something that is of interest to him and seeing what connections that might bring.
Is he in touch with the friend that moved away? Is that friendship still worth working at "long distance?" With the age of the Internet, the world is smaller.
If you see that he is becoming depressed regarding these challenges, counseling with someone who specializes in ADD/PDD children might be helpful.
In not knowing you and your son personally, it's a little like guesswork as to what might help, but I do hope some of these suggestions give you some ideas to try.
Warmly, Donna
Question Code: kbc9LxZA Donna,My 9-year old son is high functioning aspergers, in a mainstream 3rd grade classroom. He has continued to make progress in structured environments and somewhat less in unstructured situations. His biggest hurdle right now is dealing with the dynamics of getting in and staying in line. He's a strict rule-follower and can't accept kids wandering in and out of line while he has to wait patiently for them to get back, etc. We're trying to practice it at home and they say they're doing that at school in a behavioral therapy group, but it's a real struggle that winds up in hands and feet where they shouldn't be, for my son and the other kids, mostly boys. My son is certain no one likes him and never wants to have a birthday party again....we're struggling....Thank you,Lisa
Answer:
Hello and thank you for you e-mail!
Rule-based youngsters can be such a blessing (they never break the rules!) but also struggle when others do!
I guess my very first question (and please take this the right way) is that if he is having such a great difficulty being in a line, why is the school having him be in a line at this time instead of writing an accommodation for him that will support him as he learns how to improve these skills? It sounds as if he is put in a position of being set up for failure. Yes, he should learn how to stand in line and ignore the behavior of the other kids, but it might need to happen in increments.
One idea I've suggested to kids is to figure out "who owns the problem" of someone else not following the rules. If your child is following the rules, we need to a coach him to tell himself that the problem of anyone not following the rules belongs to the teacher and he doesn't need to be anxious or worried about it.
Do they have a positive reinforcement plan in place when he is successful in line? Is there some sort of preferred activity or point system in place that he can "cash in" on. I find that focusing on a specific behavior like this with lots of praise and reinforcement for when it's going right, and coming up with an alternative plan (like putting him at the head of the line) when it doesn't, gives more energy to the behavior we want from him.
Without knowing your specific situation and your son personally, I hope this is helpful!
Warmly, Donna
Question Code: UHx2sSQ9 Donna,My 5 year old son has difficulty making friends in kindergarten. He plays better one on one but has difficulty playing in a group setting. Instead he plays by himself. This makes it difficult in kindergarten because he won't try to make friends. He also does not like girls to the point that if they try to talk to him or look at him he will poke or pinch them, getting himself in trouble. Since he does not initiate friendships in a group, other kids don't try to initiate it with him.Thanks for your advice. Hopefully I've explained it well enough.Michelle
Answer:
Hello!
Thank you for your question. Since I don't know your little guy, I will try to propose some ideas for you and thoughts to consider and hope that one of them fits.
You describe him as having difficulty in school because he won't try to make friends. I would question if this is really a "won't" or more of "I don't know how." It could also be that he feels anxious and overwhelmed in a large group of children and shuts himself off from the other kids as a coping mechanism. Is he an only child? Is this his first real experience having to deal with other children in terms of sharing, cooperating and working things out? If so, he may simply be lacking these skills and may need support in learning them. Also, it may be helpful to keep in mind that some kids really are truly happier playing on their own. While we as parents don't like this, it's something to consider as well. Is he happy playing alone? Or is he unhappy and wants to play but for some reason is not able to access those friendships?
You mention that he does better one-on-one. Are these playdates successful (or mostly stressful) when they occur or are there some inherent challenges in all of his social interactions? Children who have difficulty interacting at all with their peers may benefit from a professional taking a peek to see if there is more to the story in terms of something like a non-verbal learning disorder or social developmental challenge that is getting in his way.
Let's say that he does want to make friends and look at ideas on what you and other grownups (teachers etc.) can do to help him.
*If there is a social skills program (for example, a lunch bunch) in his school, you may want to involve him in that. You may want to find one outside of school as well to help him build his friendship skills.
*If you think an evaluation is in order, this can be done through your school system or be a private child psychologist. This may help him be able to access further social support services at school.
*Try having a small group playdate (4 kids, never 3 as someone always is odd-man-out!) and structure some activities that are interactive and supervised by you such as playing some board games or baking and decorating holiday goodies. I'm not sure why he struggles more with girls (was there an incident involving a girl being mean to him at some point that he hasn't forgotten?) and it may be a worthwhile question to ask him. If it's possible, include 1 boy and 2 girls in the above-mentioned playdate.
*You may want to suggest that the teacher implement a goal for him of choosing two or three children each day to do an activity with. He should have some sort of a reward system in place (stickers etc.) for when he accomplishes that goal. It would help if adults use coaching language such as "I see you are interested in what Billy & Joey are doing....how could you ask them to let you play with them?" or..."in five minutes it will be time to choose someone to play with!"
*The teacher may want to prompt other kids to include your son in their play as well as it's evident he is not able to do it on his own quite yet.
These are just a few ideas....you may want to do some reading on helping kids build social skills (there are many books available on the subject). I hope this helps and please feel free to write again if I can be of more support. Warmly, Donna
Question Code: o83Z6d6X Hi Donna,What is the best way to handle a child who has frequent (and oftentimes unprovoked) outbursts of aggression towards others? I volunteer for Special Olympics and one of the athletes often kicks, pushes and sits on other volunteers and we're not sure how to control the behavior.Thank you
Answer:
Hello and thank you for your question!
The first question I would pose is what is going on "underneath" the aggression? There are multiple reasons a child may use aggression as an inappropriate coping mechanism. Is there an underlying sensory integration dysfunction driving this child to seek stimulation from contact with peers? Does this child have difficulty with self-regulation and becomes aggressive when overexcited (something that easily happens in sports?) Does the child have a low frustration tolerance and is driven to win and become upsets when things don't go his/her way?
I'd first explore the possibilities of what causes the behavior. Sensory and self-regulation issues can be addressed through OT (Occupational Therapy). Adults may want to watch this particular child for signs of dysregulation and re-direct them to a quieter place on the sidelines until they can calm themselves. You may want to set up a behavior plan where the child is rewarded (either verbally or with stickers) when he/she is "caught" using appropriate interactions on the field.
Most importantly, the safety of every coach and child is a priority. If the child is having a difficult time, he or she may needed to be given the "choice" of managing his or her behavior to keep everyone safe and not being able to participate that day as a consequence (this strategy is based on the child's ability to understand consequences). I hope that helps! Warmly, Donna
Question Code: mJ69UUj8 Dear Donna,My daughter is in 5th grade in public school and has global developmental delays. We've noticed that as she gets older, she is more interested in playing with the boys at recess than the girls. We think that she may be finding the complexity of girl conversations either too challenging or uninteresting and that she finds it easier to play sports with guys. Our question is, should we leave well enough alone and let her continue to play with the boys (at this point, the boys seem fine with inlcuding her in their games) or should we try to work on her conversation skills so she can feel more comfortable with the girls?
Answer:
Hello! Thank you for your question!
I might advise you to do a combination of both solutions....allow her to play with the kids that she is comfortable with while working on the skills she will need as the social requirements of middle school become more complex. Part of the preferring to play with boys may also be the "interest" that is happening in the opposite sex that comes with this age as well!
In working on the conversation skills that are needed with the other girls, you may try some actual "role-playing" either using real people or maybe several dolls (if she's interested) of the teenage variety (i.e., Bratz). Maybe inviting a few girl friends over for a supervised playdate where you bake together or do a craft while you coach your child along through the conversations that arise in that context. I know a few of the girls I work with on social skills got a kick of playing the latest version of the old game "Mystery Date" which brought up a lot of topics interesting to girls this age :)
Question Code: 8iD5CWKm Dear Donna,How do I know when to intervene if my 3 children are squabbling? (They are 5, 7, and 8, boy/girl/boy) I have heard that it is good to allow them to work things out on their own, and naturally I know to get involved when safety is an issue. But is there a "rule" about when the parent should jump in?
Answer:
Hi,
I find the best results when I am working with "squabblers" is to intervene, but mediate the problem rather than solve it for them. This is what teaches them to eventually work it out on their own.
The steps I take are typically to first empathize with everyone's point of view....followed by defining the problem from a grown-up perspective and then inviting the children to work out a mutually agreeable solution....here's an example:
"I can see that everyone here wants to watch a different TV show...."
"That's hard, because we unfortunately only have one TV....."
Hmmm....let's see if we can figure out a way to solve the problem together and then have your children (since they are old enough) work on brainstorming a solution...you might want to volunteer a few ideas but not tell them how to solve it.
I also typically help kids solve the immediate problem before I attempt to give any learning lessons on more appropriate behaviors. I have found that children are so focused ont he problem at hand that they are not available to me when I try to teach them not to yell, hit, etc...so after solving the problem and everyone is happy again, I'll spend a few extra minutes teaching "what can we do the next time" should a problem arise rather than behaviors that are not appropriate.
Sibs will squabble and nothing is 100%, but I find that collaborative problem solving:
Step 1: Empathy for everyone's point of view
Step 2: Define the problem
Step 3: Brainstorm mutually agreeable solutions
works the best!
Please feel free to write again if you have any more questions!
Warmly, Donna
Question Code: 7OU969qI My child has a learning disability and doesn't understand the concept of personal space. This is effecting her relationships with her classmates. When she is with me, I can remind her, but do you have any advice as to how this can be handled at school?
Answer:
Hello and thank you for your question!
I would suggest that the adult helpers that your child has at school (teacher, guidance counselor, etc...) assist in coaching your child regarding personal space. For example, the teacher might notice a classmate shying away from your child and gently ask your child "can you see what Mary's body is saying to you right now?" Are you too close, or just right? The teacher might also reinforce to Mary that "I can see that you are uncomfortable with how close (your child) is to you, you may tell her nicely that you would like to have a little more space between you).
It's also okay to teach classmates to say "I feel uncomfortable when you sit so close to me, or touch my hair, or hug me, and I want/prefer that you move just a little further away).
Please feel free to let me know if I can be of any more help!
