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News
Siblings: Noogies & Wedgies or Friends Forever?
Special Needs
“Mom, you, me, and Dad were running and running and we were really scared. We were being chased by monsters and Megan couldn't keep up!" This was the dream my son had when he was only 3 years old. It speaks volumes as to how siblings can understand special needs at a very young age. They can sense that their brother or sister has a level of vulnerability that others don't. As a result of this dream, we organized sibling workshops at our local elementary school. One of the groups was for 3-5 year olds, the youngest sibling group to be held by staff from Boston Children's Hospital and the DMR. Since then, I have been acutely aware of the special relationship between siblings when one of them has a special need. I've learned how complicated these relationships are and the vigilance that the typical sibling displays on a regular basis. For example, we recently were at a children's event where kids were playing bingo. After each turn, my son would check his card then check his sister's card to make sure that she didn't miss any squares. This behavior has become second nature to him. As parents and educators, it’s important that we consider sibling needs and provide them with support. This school year, my son began attending the same school as my daughter. He is in third grade and she’s in fifth. Her IEP (individualized education plan) includes a plan to support him at school. The school staff knows that she may get really excited to see him and hug him or call him a term of endearment around his friends. They know to coach her so that he is not embarrassed by her actions. I also gave a talk to his class to educate them on sibling relationships and to explain differences. My son wanted his new classmates to understand his sister in the event that she did do something that he would consider embarrassing or uncomfortable.
All Siblings
Siblings of children who don't have special needs but who have social challenges may also have feelings that should be acknowledged. As children get older and especially when they reach middle school, they can often feel like a spotlight is on them and can be embarrassed if their sibling is exhibiting social awkwardness in public. As a parent or educator, oftentimes just showing empathy can make a sibling feel better about a situation. Just a simple comment could also open the door to a more in-depth conversation. For example, if your child tends to have volatile mood swings and the sibling often takes the brunt of those moods, you could say, "It must be hard when Luke gets upset. How does that make you feel? Is there anything that you think we could be doing that will help?" This type of conversation can make a sibling feel comfortable to talk to you about their concerns and empowers them by allowing them to offer potential solutions. It can be surprising how well siblings truly understand each other and your child may offer a suggestion that you hadn't considered. My son saw me trying to teach our daughter how to tie her shoes using a poem that I had gotten from an occupational therapist and he decided to help. He read the poem and said, "Mom, this is a little confusing, don't you think? I'm going to re-write it for her." Well, he did re-write it and he explained it to her and she was tying her shoes within the hour. (click here for both versions of the shoe-tying poem) They both felt pride in this tremendous accomplishment. The collaborative activity also brought them closer together. It can also be comforting for them to know that you also feel frustrated by the behavior at times so he/she knows they aren’t alone.
Sibling Support
Siblings also need support when they are dealing with public reaction to their brother or sister, particularly from other children. When other kids ask questions about special needs, it provides an opportunity to educate. However, occasionally kids will make comments that are hurtful and upsetting. The key is to prepare your child by discussing various ways that they may react to negative comments so they are not caught off guard. A local family experienced an instance where a child rudely said, ‘that’s your brother?’ to his sibling. This was upsetting for the sibling and it was the first time another child had made a rude comment about his brother and he did not know how to react at the time. Whenever I’m feeling emotional about something, I find it challenging to think of a great comeback. How many times have you thought of the really great stuff to say after the opportunity to say it has passed? The boy and his parents talked a lot about that incident and ideas about what might be said the next time. The ideas discussed were all aimed at taking the power back from the other person. They decided that whatever the response, it would be of this nature, “Yup! You bet! Isn’t he great?” A few months after this incident happened, the same boy had another negative experience on the school bus. A kid said ‘Your brother is weird’ and his brother replied, ‘Don’t you ever say that about my brother again!’ The kid who made the comment was older and known to be aggressive toward other children but he backed right down. When asked how he felt about responding that way, the brother said ‘strong and powerful’. If you give your child the chance to talk about what he or she might do in a situation, then you have prepared them for when it happens. Another benefit is that the second incident was far less upsetting for the boy than the first because he knew what to do and did it without hesitation. He truly was “strong and powerful”!
Sibling workshops may also be available in your area. These workshops are for siblings of children with special needs and it gives them a chance to talk about themselves and their sibling in a safe, confidential environment. These are generally not set up as therapy sessions. The purpose of a sibling workshop is to get kids together who experience similar types of issues and share how they handle it and find comfort in the discussion. Several different methods may be used such as Sibshops, Moon Balloon and others, but the important aspect is to provide support for siblings so they feel that they have peers that experience similar situations and feelings as they do. When looking for a sibling group in your area, it is important to make sure that the adults who are running the program have training in the methodology being used. If a sibling group is not available, then you could organize one in your area or ask your school’s Parent Advisory Council (PAC) to help.
Respect
The key to successful social skills whether within the family or out in society is respect. If parents teach their children to be respectful of everyone in the home, then they will also treat friends, classmates, and eventually co-workers with respect. Ideally, we also want our children to garner respect from others during their lifetimes so they aren’t victims of bullying at school or get into abusive relationships as they get older. If a child is teased or feels powerless at home, they may feel the need to bully kids at school. Parents have the opportunity to teach by example at home. For example, just last night I was playing Chutes and Ladders with my daughter and she landed on a chute and fell several rows in the game. She said, somewhat under her breath, ‘are you happy now?’ That comment resulted in a conversation about respect. I asked her if that was a nice or respectful comment to make? She knew it wasn’t. And I asked her if I had been treating her with disrespect? And no, I wasn’t. So we discussed why she would say something like that during our game and discussed how it was not a friendly thing to say.
Teaching respect can also start at a very early age. When babies are playing with toys and need their diaper changed, parents should try to tell them that they are going to change their diaper and pick them up to do so instead of simply plucking them from whatever activity they were doing without regard to their feelings.
Treating others with respect is a great example for kids to follow and pointing out when others are disrespectful can also provide valuable learning. If your kids are giving each other noogies and wedgies, you may want to use that opportunity to discuss respect and suggest that they arm wrestle instead. TV shows are useful for teaching respect as well. It’s pretty easy to find shows where the characters are treating each other poorly and can provide an opportunity for discussion. Talking about respect by using a TV show can also prevent your child from becoming offended since you aren’t talking about their personality but about the TV character’s personality.
Conflict Resolution
Teaching kids how to resolve conflicts is a skill that will last a lifetime. Our suggested book for the month, The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene, offers an excellent collaborative problem solving technique that kids can learn to resolve conflicts. Greene’s approach is also a great technique for parents to use when dealing with their children. It’s a proven technique and one that is at the heart of the social skills classes held at The Peter Pan Center in Harvard, MA.
Sibling relationships can be very complicated and dealing with childhood issues can be very challenging. Which do you prefer, noogies and wedgies or friends forever?
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