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Have you ever been out in public with your child when he or she has displayed less-than-perfect social behavior? Do you have a child with a disability that presents with physical differences that may result in curious stares? How about a medical issue that creates a stir? The Social Smart Kids January article provides some tips on how to deal with unwanted "Public Displays of Attention" from strangers.
I think that people are just curious about other people. How many of you like to people watch? We find it interesting to just sit back and check out everyone around us. In general, there is no harm in looking at others who occupy the same space that we’re in. However, as parents, we can feel quite differently when our children are the ones whom strangers find so visually interesting. Unwanted stares directed at our children can invoke the protector in us. I look at staring in two types of categories, 1) staring that only I notice 2) staring that my kids notice. How do you react (or do you) when faced with this in public?
My first internal response to stares is “what are you looking at?” Having a child with a physically obvious disability, I have faced this situation countless times over the years. I now have a process that I follow whenever unwelcome stares come our way. We've also experienced situations where my kids will notice others staring at us and have asked "Mom, why is that man starting at us?" Depending on the proximity between the kids and the staring stranger, it can frighten them.
Over the years I have learned that sometimes people stare for reasons that we oftentimes don't consider. Some of those who stare may have family member with similarities to your child (Down syndrome, diabetes and so on). So, before we get into how to handle yourself in public, let’s be sure to remind ourselves that people may be staring for different reasons. For example, for all of you who live in upstate New York and have a child with Down syndrome, watch out for a little old gray-haired lady who is staring at your child. Please be kind to her because she is my mother. She stares and she admits that she stares. She doesn’t know how to approach the family and tell about her granddaughter even though she really wants to.
I have a "progression of aggression" plan that works for me when uncomfortable situations arise. If people are staring and it isn’t bothering us then we ignore it, but if it is bothering us or it’s annoyingly persistent, here are the steps in my Progression of Aggression Plan:
- Make eye contact (stare back until they look at you)
- Smile – even if you don’t really want to
- Say hi while making eye contact (kind of like saying, yes, I caught you staring, but I’m going to be nice about it) If the person has a nice expression then my “hi” is friendly. If they have an unpleasant expression, then my “hi” is not as friendly.
- If my children notice the person staring and comment on it, I will usually tell them that they find us interesting or they think you are pretty or handsome
- If staring persists and they are in close proximity, I will say, “you seem interested in my daughter; would you like to meet her?”
- If staring persists and they are not in close proximity, I close the gap and say, “you seem interested in my daughter, would you like to meet her?” (I only do this if it’s really bothering me. If it’s not bothering me, I just ignore it)
- If staring persists and they meet her and are still staring, I will then say “is there a question I can answer for you? You seem really curious.”
Some innovative parents have developed business cards that they hand out to curious onlookers explaining their child’s behavior. The card may say, “If you are curious about my child’s behavior, visit www.autismspeaks.org for more information.”
As much as we may want to respond with a negative reaction to people who make us uncomfortable, I believe that, whenever possible, it’s best to handle yourself with as much grace as you can muster. Your child is watching you to see how you react and your actions are teaching your child to react in a similar way.
When a child is staring at your child, I suggest the same steps while understanding that kids really are just curious and that your child may stare at others so try to be extra kind when dealing with children.
No one has the right to make you uncomfortable and by taking some measures to address those unwanted Public Displays of Attention, you will have done your part to manage the situation which empowers you and teaches your children valuable skills through example.
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