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| /February 18, 2008/ SPECIAL NEEDS PARENTING: WHEN CHILDREN HAVE TROUBLE MAKING FRIENDS |
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With her two older children, Paula Davis could always say, "go ahead and play," when hosting a playmate in their Westford home. But, because her youngest daughter Emma has social difficulties associated with a chromosomal disorder, Davis is more cognizant of her own role in helping Emma establish friendships.
"Planning is key to having a successful playmate," she said.
By taking advantage of half school days, limiting the length of friends' visits, and overseeing a structured activity, like baking cookies, Davis said she has found the recipe for fun.
A disability, such as cognitive challenges, physical impairments, or medical problems, can sometimes hinder the friendshipmaking process for children. Children with a disability often face a number of social issues. The reasons for such difficulties vary with each individual as do strategies for helping them interact with peers.
"Children with special needs often times don't clue in to social cues that children without special needs are able to figure out on their own," said Nadine Briggs, founder of Social Smart Kids. "Many children with cognitive issues think in very black and white terms and they have difficulty with the gray area of socialization.
For example, they may think 'you either like me or you don't' rather than understand that someone may like them, but not like it when they stand too close to them or talk too much without listening for their friend to respond."
Regarding medical conditions or physical differences, some "young children may think they can catch a disability as though it were the flu," Briggs said. "I know of children who thought they could catch diabetes or Down syndrome."
Impulsivity, shyness, obsessing, aggressions, and the inability to understand personal space, tones of voice and non-verbal communication are most commonly listed as social barriers to making friends.
MIDDLE SCHOOL PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT
Children's lives are full of teachable moments for parents.
Role-playing, social stories, and discussions can aid in preparing a child for an upcoming event such as a birthday party, field trip, or play date.
"The age at which fitting-in becomes difficult is very individualized. For example, if a child has outbursts due to a disability in kindergarten, this may frighten the other children and make it difficult to make friends," Briggs said. "Fifth grade on through middle school are particularly difficult socially. …The general social awkwardness of middle school seems to calm down by high school as children mature."
With regard to daughter Jenn's bipolar diagnosis, Patricia Konjoian of Andover, co-author of Shut Up About…Your Perfect Kid! did not notice the negative social impact until middle school. In eighth grade, Jenn was singled out, due to a bully's perception of her sensitivity. "Soon her grades began to slip as she was finding it difficult to eat, sleep, or concentrate," Konjoian said. "My husband and I met with the school principal and we had his assurance that none of this would be tolerated on school grounds."
But, as in many cases, additional incidents oftentimes occurred outside the school setting.
Since weathering the middle school social storm, Jenn is now thriving in high school, finding new friends and re-establishing selected relationships.
"I hope this offers some encouragement to those parents whose children are struggling," her mother said.
The Konjoian's have been upfront and honest about Jenn's issues and struggles.
"We as parents need to be open with our kids to show them that they need not be ashamed of their disability but rather use it to draw strength and to educate others."
Briggs agrees.
The creation of Social Smart Kids stemmed from a presentation she gave to daughter Megan's second grade class.
"When our daughter was born 11 years ago with Down syndrome, we felt that teaching her to be socially appropriate was going to be the most valuable skill we could teach her," Briggs said. "Social Smart Kids is designed to centralize social skills' resources and provide education and support to families of children of all abilities who experience social challenges."
Through its parent consulting service, the organization offers customized classroom chats to explain disabilities and challenges throughout Massachusetts.
"These chats have been very successful in eliminating the 'mystery' about a classmate which can help foster friendships," Briggs said. "Once kids are given an explanation and an opportunity to ask questions, they are generally much more receptive to differences. Classroom chats also empower the children to help teach their classmate social skills (by telling them they prefer a high five to a hug, for example)."
As integral members of their child's Individualized Education Program (IEP) team, parents can ensure social goals are included in their child's education plan at school.
At the John A. Crisafulli Elementary School, Emma spends as much time in an inclusive classroom as possible. At lunchtime, she and a small group of classmates are joined by a guidance counselor for social time called "Lunch Bunch." The staff, including speech and occupational therapists, also helps Emma achieve goals during recess, overseeing situations and offering guidance, when necessary.
Extracurricular activities also have provided Emma with friendship-making opportunities. She swims on the Nashoba Valley Special Olympics team and is a member of Learning for Life, a subsidiary of Boy Scouts of America, where she and her friends earn badges in areas such as health & safety.
Another option for children to practice develop friendships is through private social skills groups.
The Peter Pan Center in Harvard offers a number of services to youngsters who are on the autism spectrum, have attention issues or, without any particular diagnosis, can benefit from social support.
"The kids meet once a week for 90 minutes," said director Donna Shea. "I specifically have designed a non-structured natural play environment to tackle those times when kids struggle the most (recess, lunch, play dates, etc.) During the course of the program, the kids are welcome to engage in many various activities of their choice and they are 'coached' during social interactions."
Shea's initial idea grew from a college project examining the experiences of mothers whose children had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
"The Peter Pan analogy comes from my professor, who suggested I read the original story and wondered if I thought Peter Pan might have had ADHD," she said.
Another option is the Friendship Network for Children in Northboro, which provides social skills groups for children from age 3-17, most of whom are on the autism spectrum. Grouping the children based on their cognitive abilities, communication styles, personal interests, self awareness, age, and sensitivity, founder and executive director Nancy Swanberg works to "make socialization accessible, reduce anxiety and confusion, create authentic personal connections, and expand social skills.
Sue Lovejoy is a freelance writer from Holden.
RESOURSES
• The Friendship Network for Children, Inc. 100 Otis St. Unit 4B Northborough, 01532 Phone: 508-393-0030 www.networkforchildren.org
• Social Smart Kids Socialsmartkids.com www.socialsmartkids.com
• The Peter Pan Center 280 Ayer Road, Harvard, 01451 978-772-1255 http://peterpancenter.homestead.com/Index.html
• Shut Up About…Your Perfect Kid! by Gina Gallagher and Patricia Konjoian www.shutupaboutyourperfectkid.com/
• Learning for Life (subsidiary of the BSA) www.learning-for-ife.org/
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